mnvnjnsn's Diary

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I am of two minds right now. My right mind is telling me I should rename this journal; current events tell me I have no right to base an online journal on my occasional piddly, non-lethal health crises. My other mind, the one I suspect is actually right, is that I should probably just stop this half-hearted pantomime and admit the one thing this journal has taught me: My health problems have broken one synapse too many, and I have neither the mental acuity nor strength of wit to keep writing. It’s not that I haven’t had loads of things to write about—ask me someday to tell you about my toenails, turning 37, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Curse of the Narrows or the gigantic tin frog I received from that woman for my birthday—it’s that I honestly prefer sitting slack-jawed on the couch, eating corn from the can and yelling at the TV set.

I don’t just prefer it, it’s all I do. Most nights I’m too lazy to even read. I don’t go online because I can’t be bothered to climb the stairs. Not only that, but I spend my day in front of a computer, usually with some time to kill. I could write, if I wanted to. Health problems? Yeah, I’ve got enough to keep me drained of all energy and personality, but not enough to fill more than two paragraphs of unnecessarily gussied-up narrative. Certainly not enough to deserve the name “Medicine Balls.”

You want to talk balls? You want to hear about health problems?

We just found out that sister J has renal failure that will put her on dialysis in Fall of 2008. This, added to her already full plate of diabetes (2 medicines, one injected several times daily), gastro-paresis (cause: unknown. No drugs seem to be helping yet. When it hits, hospitalization seems necessary for at least 4 days. And trust me, a hospital is the worst place for a diabetic to be.), neuropathy (resulting in chronic pain which, for someone fairly intolerant of pain meds, can be horrifying) and high blood pressure (just sucky all-around).

Now, I can’t speak for her, but this would put me in a tailspin wrapped in a fucking tornado. Thank the FSM she’s got her husband—who just so happens to be made of patience and light—and that she’s got health insurance. She’s plowing through her medical and family leave, and will soon be hitting up her disability, so it’s also handy that she has a life, health & disability attorney in the family. But even with those two things going for her, and I know they’re big things, I am completely at a loss on how I would handle this. Christ, I can’t handle even hearing about it.

So, J, I know there isn’t much I can do for you, being 550 miles away, but I will get you a dictation machine for you and will transcribe everything you say here, so people can know what it’s really like to be in a smorgasbord of hurt.

4:50 p.m. - 2007-01-23


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