mnvnjnsn's Diary

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As close as I'll get to a biological clock

I had a dream that-- after the requisite odd celebrity appearance (C. Everett Koop?) and angry fight with my mother-- suddenly became what was quite clear to me my last day on Earth. Here I was at a gathering of family and friends knowing I would die tomorrow.

It didn't sadden me all that much, surprisingly. I don't remember everyone who was at this pre-wake I was throwing, so for diplomatic reasons just assume that you were there. I don't know why, but I chose not to tell some people that I was going to die. I don't know how to interpret that-- it probably means something Freudian or Jungian or Dr Phillian, but I'm not even going to hazard a guess. Anyway, I don't remember all that much about the dream until I was saying goodbye to the last two groups at the party: my sister K's family and my 3 cats. None of them knew I was about to join the choir invisible.

The cats left first, and I was understandably crushed. Each one took a turn sitting on my lap, purring and looking extra cute. Then, finally, my sister started to load the kids in the car. I looked at niece E, who was skipping towards the car in slow motion, and I was drowned in despair. I woke up utterly shattered. I haven't felt such despair in, like, ever.

That feeling left rather quickly, on account of my incredible aptitude for sleeping, but I've felt kinda weird all day. I'm not quite sure why. I'm fairly comfortable with the fact that I'll be dead sooner than most. I thought I would be ready to be another year older and closer to death.

9:24 p.m. - 2006-01-18


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