mnvnjnsn's Diary

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Vacation's all I ever wanted

I called this site "Medicine Balls" because I thought I had enough medical ills to turn into funny stories. I haven't written anything recently, medical or otherwise, because I'm beginning to think I've crossed that line, the one that turns an online journal into Daily Depression De-Affirmations, and none of us wants that.

I have spent my time this December trying to figure out what I can cut out of my life to make everything better: Skip Christmas? Don't send Christmas cards? Buy a ticket to anywhere and take off? Stop eating altogether?

Then I wonder what I could add to my life to make things better: an iPod? More hoodie sweatshirts? Another kitten? Ah-- I know. More drugs. Not the ones insurance won't pay for, of course, I'm much too thrifty to get into drugs I would have to pay full price for. All it takes is a visit to one or two or three of my favorite doctors and an ambivilant answer to "Suicidal thoughts?" and I've got myself more drugs than Matthew Perry and Winona Ryder together could handle.

I think I'm making this sound like this is all a calculated effort to avoid doing things I could fix on my own if I just exerted a little self-control, if I tried a little harder at working out or eating right or getting out of bed. And it's true, I know the the foods I shouldn't eat, the supplements I should be taking, the exercises I should be exercising.

So I don't want to talk about my health anymore. At one point I told more than one person that my body has been trying to shut down for 25 years and I'm so damned tired of it. This set off warning bells I'm not sure I meant to set off, and my friends and family members rallied around me, which made me feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. Because I'm that much of a dolt. The drugs I'm taking now are helping a little, though I still take more naps than your average six-week old child. And I may not be writing for a while, since I let my supergold membership on diaryland expire, so people can't really send me emails or leave comments. But maybe, just maybe, when I get my shit together and get a job, I'll start up again because there's much more to talk about when you're not housebound and alone. In the meantime, thanks for the chanukah card (you know who you are) and I hope everyone has a snuggly warm holiday season.

3:02 p.m. - 2004-12-13


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