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No hugging and no learning.

I did something to day that I am not proud of; something that made me feel dirty and ashamed.

Today, I watched Oprah.

Let me say right away that I dislike Oprah and everything she stands for with an intense and all-consuming hatred. This may lose me some fans (sorry, "fans"), but I sat through a whole hour of her show today, and I cannot stave off the bile growing in my soul.

You see, the four main castmembers of "Seinfeld" appeared miraculously on her stage today for the first and last time ever (a fact she could not keep from crowing every 2.3 seconds), and I like the show and I like the actors, so I foolishly thought I could get past the Oprah and focus on them.

So not worth it. At the risk of sounding vaguely Bush-cabinetian, make no mistake: this is Oprah's show. It is all about The Oprah. The bleating sycophants that comprise her audience (embarrasing and misogynistic in their femaleness) would not let more than 4 words out of Oprah's blessed lips without erupting in incessant, simpleminded hoots and claps, during which Our Oprah would beam beatifically in false modesty. She would call her guests out with a speech peppered with insider puns meant to be cool, and then ask them questions she had read them answer in last week's TV Guide. Then she would let the guest relate a short anecdote, which she would respond to with a shout and overwrought gesture of inappropriate camaraderie.

You may feel I am getting too vitriolic about a woman with a TV show, but my goat is so gotten every time I hear her speak or see her face. She has this over-the-top Jesus complex that make me want to crush bricks with my bare hands. Once, she gave everyone in her audience a car. Why? Was the audience filled with single mothers trying to lug groceries onto the bus that goes to the outskirts of town? Did she fly in low-income families from cities with no work opportunities? No, of course not. She gave out the cars because she could afford it, because she had made a deal with the marketing department of Pontiac and because they both wanted all the news programs that night to open their shows with "Oprah gives away Pontiacs!"

And this has gotten me completely off the track I originally wanted to make with this entry: that Oprah managed to make Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Michael Richards look sappy and limp and not very funny. And there is something very, very wrong with that. Fucking Oprah.

7:04 p.m. - 2004-11-29


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